Nancy King
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FEB 2023 - Varsity

2/11/2023

2 Comments

 
Picture
In high school, I applied for and was accepted to Leaders, a club for athletes and dancers who taught part of the huge gym classes while the teacher stood on a kind of pedestal and watched. After being in Leaders for a time I decided to try out for Varsity, a prestigious club that accepted very few people.
I worked hard to fulfill the requirements as a dance applicant, teaching, choreographing, and performing with the dance group. I had great recommendations from teachers, especially the dance teacher who refused to recommend most who asked her. I thought I had a pretty good chance of being accepted.

Each applicant had to be interviewed by the group, something that sounded formidable, but I wanted to join so badly I practiced answering questions I thought I might be asked such as: Why do you want to be a member of Varsity?” The real answer was because it’s the best and highest club in the school, but I knew I couldn’t say that. I decided to say I wanted to join because they provided important service to the school. 

The day of the interview I wore my Leader’s uniform and tried to quell my nervousness. The door opened at the appointed time. As I entered, the girls in their varsity uniforms stared at me. I sat down in a chair across from them and waited for the first question, which was why I wanted to join. I gave them my answer. They did not look impressed. The interview was short and when it ended, I thanked them for the opportunity to apply. 

When I was told I wasn’t accepted, I felt bad but consoled myself by remembering how many tried out and how few were accepted. The next day, one of the varsity members, with whom I had worked with in Leaders, came up to me and said, “Nancy, the reason you didn’t get in to Varsity is that they don’t want Jews in their group.” I think she was trying to make me feel better—nothing I could do about being Jewish—if I’d been Christian, I would have been accepted. I could tell she was trying to be kind so I thanked her.

I held myself together until school was over, but on the way to my piano lesson, I felt so bad about myself I started to cry and couldn’t stop. Once again, no matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t good enough. The reasons might be different yet the result was the same. Poor Mr. Kanterofsky, my piano teacher. He tried his best to console me but I was beyond consolation. He called my father, whose pharmacy was close by. When my father came, through my sobs, I told him why I didn’t get into Varsity.

His response was immediate and harsh. “Stop crying! Those girls aren’t worth your tears. Besides, crying never solved anything.”

I was 16. My father’s angry words filled me with shame and stopped my crying as quickly as a faucet turned off. His judgment made a miserable situation worse. The power of his words stayed with me. No matter the situation, my eyes might water, but I couldn’t allow myself to cry.


64 years later, at a vison quest when I was 80, surrounded by a group of people who carefully and compassionately listened to me talk about my life with no judgement, I was able to cry. Since then, no. 

Do you cry? Easily? What makes you cry?
2 Comments
Marlene Simon
2/2/2023 01:10:00 pm

I cry easily but for years did not. I stifled those emotions, except in the movies, or reading books, or hearing sad stories. But now, I let it flow. It is so cathartic to be able to cry spontaneously in response to things that move one.

I am struck by how open anti-Semitism was when you were growing up. Not surprised, but taken aback. When will it end. I am so sick of all the hatred and ignorance and mean-spiritedness of old and young alike. So much has been written on the subject and there are so many theories and opinions, but even understanding why does not provide a salve. It's such a helpless feeling. I'm just grateful that you are in the world sharing your gifts, your words and your wisdom.

Reply
Mary Newburger
2/2/2023 03:34:15 pm

I have cried 3 times since I was an adult. I can't really say why, except I see crying as self indulgent.

Reply



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Nancy King is a widely published author and a professor emerita at the University of Delaware, where she has taught theater, drama, playwriting, creative writing, and multidisciplinary studies with an emphasis on world literature. She has published seven previous works of nonfiction and five novels. Her new memoir, Breaking the Silence, explores the power of stories in healing from trauma and abuse. Her career has emphasized the use of her own experience in being silenced to encourage students to find their voices and to express their thoughts, feelings, and experiences with authenticity, as a way to add meaning to their lives.

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